A Single Woman's Ode of Thanksgiving to the Men of the Online Dating World

In this season of gratitude, we all strive to be thankful for every possible thing we can think of, so yes, lets be grateful for the good, bad and ugly men of the online dating world.

To these men, I say "Many Thanks" for all of the lessons you've taught us and for showing us who you REALLY are either right away or before any actual heartbreak occurs. 

*Mr Bathroom-Mirror-Selfie Guy:

We get it, you work out at the gym, (or not in some cases,) You get out of the shower and BEHOLD, there you are in ALL your glistening, studly beauty. Thank you for showing us you're a narcissist. No matter how great you think you look, do not snap a photo from the waist up and post it on your online dating profile to show virtual strangers. You know why? Because dating coaches like me will use it as material on a BIG power point screen (with your face cropped out of course) on what NOT to do! Dude, you missed your modeling career long ago…don’t you know women love to unwrap things and be surprised…leave some mystery!

*Mr Smiling-in-your-picture Guy:

We like you, we click on you and open your profile for a great and positive bio. Thank you for being a breath of fresh air. By now, we’ve seen umpteen pictures of men trying to look tough and unemotional and we don’t want to go out with that…we want you, the one who will smile at us as we look across the table at you. We appreciate you took your baseball cap and sunglasses off and we can see your kind, genuine eyes. Hang in there, we are looking for you! 

*Mr “Hi Sexy”

Thank you for being SO obvious about NOT reading our profile. We know you just looked at our photo, maybe our stats, and hit reply. Then you think saying “Hi Sexy” is either going to make us swoon at your feet or make us so grateful for attention that we wont care what else you say…or don’t say. Dude, we have 32 other emails in our inbox with exactly the same message. Read our freaking profile…or better yet, go read a book…quit trying to act like you’re God’s gift! 

*Mr I-actually-read-your-profile-and-think-we-have-something-in-common: 
You’re my favorite…I don’t care how beautiful you think I am, how much you like my eyes or that you have a thing for redheads, what I do care about is knowing you acknowledge I have a brain in my head and you have one too. Thank you for letting us know WHY you hit reply so we can start a real conversation. 

*Mr I-don’t-know-how-to-have-a-conversation:

We respond to your message or initiate our own and you just answer the question, say how much you like us but don’t ask a question back. You, my friend, are a taker and expect your partner to do all the work in the relationship and it shows right away. Make some freaking effort! Thank you for showing us exactly what it will be like to be with you...all take and no give. 

*Mr I-remember-details:

Thank you for giving us hope…you know how to listen, have a collaborative conversation and you remember the things we say. We know you do because you reference it later in a sweet way or make a joke about it…you are the ones who make us swoon! You, my friend, might actually be really looking for a relationship.

*Mr Liar/Cheater/Player:

Sigh…you seem to outnumber all the nice and real guys online. No one dates for long without running into one of you (and yes, there are female versions too). You lie about your job, your height, your accomplishments and most of all, your Marital status! Some of you will freely share you are married while expecting us to buy your sob story of why you have to stay in your awful marriage and deserve to find happiness on the side. Do us all a favor, man up, own your sh*t and grow a pair! Be who you are…own your job choice, your height and your lack of accomplishment. And best of all, do your wife a favor and leave her so SHE can find happiness…she is much better off without you! Oh yeah and thanks for nothing...I take that back, you have made us smarter and savvier...we owe you that, at least! 

*Mr Nice Guy:

We love you, we really do…you are emotionally available, you have a lot of love to give ONE woman and you are thrilled to show that love. Please don’t give up on us…those liars and cheaters shine their glossiness at us for a short time but when we leave them, you’re the one we hope to find and need. Don’t get discouraged, we have more love to give than you can imagine and are worth the wait. Thank you for reminding us you're still out there! 

*Mr Fast Forward:

You are crazy about us…from the MOMENT you respond to us. You ask us to meet you the first day, before you even know anything about us. Then when you meet us...you want to see us every day. While your attention can seem flattering, its too,too much! Many of you are actually good men, you will treat us well, but you need to take a breather and let things develop more naturally. If you keep pushing, you will creep us out, cause us to hit the “block caller” button on our phone and you will never hear from us again. Thank you for the validation that we are amazing...we kinda already knew it, but it's nice to hear. 

And no such list would be complete without…

*Mr D*ck Pic:

You can never leave this bozo out! You are the quintessential peacock…and you are ready to spread your feathers at the first sniff of a female. We have barely had a good conversation before you just decide, for God knows what reason, to send us a picture of your finer parts! You, my friend, know NOTHING about women and it shows. If you know anything about us, you know that we don’t find THAT, in and of itself, a turn on. We aren’t wired like you. Wonder why you can’t actually get a woman to a real date when you have such an amazing “piece?" It's because the sight of it has the opposite effect. Actually, its something we save until the next time we are drinking too much wine with our girlfriends and want to laugh…that’s when You get the most "attention", so, yeah, thanks for the laughs!

So, men of the online dating world…listen up and take a lesson where you need one. And to the good guys…we are looking for you. Believe me, smart and savvy and completely amazing women are looking for you, but you’re the needle in the haystack and we are wading through a whole lot of hay…but we are still looking, don’t give up!

What an old TV taught me about dating...

Although I seem to have a lot of “things” that make my home cozy and sometimes even on the cluttered side, its mostly family stuff.  My things are not of much value by the worlds’ standards, but for me, the value is high.  I can often be heard telling my children, “be careful with that, it was your great-grandmother’s.”  We could easily use a new couch, my kids don’t always have the latest and greatest trendy things,  and no one would argue we need a new TV, but overall we have more than so many others. 

When my ex-husband moved out, he took one of the TV’s.  It was the one we used upstairs.  I am not a big TV watcher and never watch in bed, but one of my sons needs to rest a lot because of a medical condition so it affected him the most.   The financial repercussions, especially immediately after a separation, make it impossible for most people to go out and make purchases like a TV.  So I posted on facebook that if anyone had an old TV they needed to get rid of cheap, to let me know. 

It was around Christmastime and it just so happened that one of my friends had bought her daughter a new TV for Christmas so she would give me her old TV/DVD combo the day after.  So I picked up the banged-up, sticker-laden TV and brought it home.  Of course it was bulkier, older and smaller than the one it was replacing but it did the trick, even if the images didn’t always fit the screen exactly as they were intended. 

Overall, it served its purpose…my son was able to lie down and watch TV from his bed when he didn’t feel like joining us in the living room.  Periodically I looked online to see if I could find any amazingly cheap TV deals, but I never bought one.  I also perused the Black Friday Sales Ads to see if there was a deal worth fighting for, but I’m always tight on money that time of year anyway.  Plus, I’m a lover not a fighter and I’m certainly not going to act like a fool for a television!

Even before last Christmas the TV started doing something odd.  It was only black and white now.  This was annoying to my son at first, but eventually he got used to it and doesn’t even notice it at all anymore. 

About a week ago, the sound went out…well, we could turn it up to 100 and it was like a whisper.  We live in a smaller place now so I could leave the living room TV on the same channel at regular volume and the combination would allow him to barely hear it.  Sure, this was even more annoying but I found it interesting that my son never complained about the fact that not only is the volume not working, but the color was out.  I would have been complaining to my parents saying “Mom, we really need a new one…this TV is a joke!” 

The volume issue lasted about two days before a fuse happened to blow in two of the bedrooms.  When we flipped the breaker back on, our ears were pierced with 100-times the volume on that little TV.  It worked again.  We were thrilled that the volume had returned, I was thrilled I hadn’t even considered going back out and getting a new model, and again, there was no mention of the lack of color, which by the way, didn’t return unfortunately.

But as I thought about all of that, I thought about dating and really just accepting people for who they are.  One thing you’ve probably heard me say is I love imperfection in people and I also realize we are all flawed.  Finding someone to love who will love you back at this age is not about finding the perfect person, it’s about finding a set of flaws you can live with…loving someone in spite of them, even loving someone because of them. 

If we treated that TV like we tend to treat potential future partners, well, we would have been on to the next new shiny model.  One of the biggest problems with online dating is the urge to not always be wondering if there’s someone better in the next profile you click on.  A lot of dating coaches tell you to date as many people at a time as you can handle, it’s a numbers game afterall.  But, if you do that, then as soon as the volume goes out or the colors start to fade, you are on to the next new thing.  The problem is, you will never find what you are looking for because you never stop the search.  You fail to see all the good things that exist beyond the flaws. 

If you stick it out eventually you don’t see that loss of color anymore…just like my son quit noticing it with his TV.  My son is just looking for a TV to distract him from his pain and fatigue, from the day to day grind that he faces….isn’t that what we want from a relationship?  Lack of color, (like the battering of life make people who they are) didn’t change what my son needs…and a temporary lack of volume didn’t either. 

The correlation for the lack of volume speaks, well, volumes to me.  If you’ve been dating for long at all, you know the tendency for people to “go dark”, “fade out” and generally just quit communicating.  Some do it and you never hear from them again…they can’t simply be kind and just share that they don’t think you’re a match…I’ve been on both ends of that, but one text explaining I am moving on doesn’t seem like a huge sacrifice of kindness.  In that case, unlike our old TV, the volume doesn’t come back on and you have to go looking for another one, and that’s okay.

But there’s also the temporary lack of volume in dating.  Have you had that happen to you?  Where maybe you usually talk ever day but suddenly there’s a shift?  Many people feel entitled and drive right over to the Best Buy and buy a new TV…feeling like they shouldn’t be bothered with such an unreliable One.  As a woman who likes a man to lead, I can usually make myself push through those times of temporary lack of volume.   Most often this happens early on, where you don’t have a solid foundation yet and they go through something unexpected.  Some men (and God love them for it) will just tell you they are having a hard time and needing some quiet.  (Sometimes they get cold feet, and its harder to predict the outcome in that case.) 

 My mantra is if they want to be with me, if I create an understanding and non-judgemental place to rest, they will come back just like that volume did.  When they do, we have unspoken understanding and trust…we are usually stronger.  And the bruised and battered know that I just might be reliable and trustworthy afterall.  Next time, the temporary loss of volume will be shorter or not at all, because just like my son, they just wants a place of rest and comfort. 

So my challenge to you is when you start to notice the loss of color, the flaws, what DO you see that makes you happy, that adds value to them and to you?  If there’s a temporary loss of volume, don’t immediately start shopping for a replacement, be patient for a couple of days and see what happens.  Be the soft place for people to land, even if you still have to go shopping, purpose to be the person who sees the good, who leaves the good and who makes the shopping experiences just a little bit better.  

Springboards....

If you didn’t get a chance to read “the art of a kind goodbye” then maybe you should as a preface to this post.  But basically my mantra in dating is to be kind…in the good and the bad, be kind.  And you know what?  I don’t have the dramatic horror stories others have in this crazy world of dating.  I firmly believe it’s because I’ve made it a point to take the high road, to expect the best, to encourage, to know when to walk away, but walk away in the light with magnificent grace.  I don’t just mean grace for myself, but grace for us all. 

Remember, we are all learning in this dating thing. Or we should be anyway.  And hopefully we are dating people enlightened enough to take their lessons and walk ahead.  The benefit of dating and meeting  a lot of men that aren’t quite right for you, is you begin to see a clearer picture of who is…and know better when to walk when they aren’t.

Which brings me to springboards…

Before I met “Metaphor Man” I had tried to go on maybe 4 or 5 first dates but I just didn’t enjoy them.  Not because the men weren’t enjoyable or interesting or attractive or respectable.  I didn’t’ enjoy them because “The one who ran away” bruised me enough to where I couldn’t quite go on a date without wishing it was him the whole time. 

When I met “The one who ran away” he said something that, at the time, seemed so amazingly sweet, but became true in a way contrary to how he meant it.  I think.   He said “I want to ruin you for any other man.”  What he meant was he wanted to be so good to me that I wouldn’t even think of another man being better.  It sounded great at the time.  But after he disappeared and I had no idea why, I feared I was ruined…and after all of those first dates, I would hear his words in my head as I sat there wishing it I was sitting across from him instead of the man of the hour.

It turned out that after four months of nothing, I finally heard from “The one who ran away” and maybe I will blog about that sometime.  But I had been promising myself I was going to go back online just a couple of days before he reappeared and kept putting it off.  However, that closure I finally got was all I needed to get back out there and not feel quite so ruined.

A few days later I met “Metaphor Man” and with complete respect and tactfulness, he noticed right away the ugly bruises that were left in the wake of my ruin.  He might not have recognized them as such, but he challenged me to take off my brakes, throw out the rules, be vulnerable, expand my understanding of freedom within spirituality and reminded me I was beautiful. 

This wasn’t a rebound situation because I wasn’t thinking at all about “The One Who Got Away”…but he was still marking me…bits of ruin still existed and that’s where I thought I cleverly could prevent it from happening again.   We’ve all gone into protective mode before.   I applied brakes before I even started driving, built a wall of rules like a fortress and although I have always been severely authentic, I’ve never known how to be truly vulnerable.  But “Metaphor Man” effortlessly saw right through all of those things and brought out more of the real me that existed before I became ruined.

Despite “Metaphor Man’s” ability to challenge me in the way I love to be challenged, the brief time we spent together had a purpose.  I learned so much from him that I actually didn’t friend zone him when I knew we couldn’t meet each other’s needs.  Maybe I was selfish when I purposely held on a little longer.  I realized early on that while “Catalyst” was there to ease me back into my new life post-divorce and gently prepare me, “Metaphor Man” was my catalyst of vulnerability.  It was something he sowed into me knowing he wouldn’t reap the rewards…a selfless act, actually.

So when I started with my current guy “The Scot”, (no, that’s not his name…he’s Scottish) I was in a much better place, yet he actually noticed the slightest tinges of those faint bruises, too.  I’m happy to report that through “The Scot’s” tender care of me the traces have disappeared, he makes me believe about myself all the wonderful things he tells me.  Yet, I couldn’t help but think that “Metaphor Man” actually prepared me to be ready for the amazing thing that is unfolding in my new relationship now.   That is a gift and it’s easily one that can be missed if you don’t make a purposeful decision to be introspective, yet friendly and kind and full of grace in your dating.   Society tells us far too often to blame instead of learn. 

When I ended it with “Metaphor Man” (which was done by text because we both abhor the phone), I started by asking “Can we just be friends?” because that really seemed like all we needed to be or had evolutionarily become.  We haven’t texted but a couple of times since, but had a great conversation this week that reminded me why Kindness in dating is so important and I’m pretty sure he would agree.

We were just chatting about his move and both our jobs.  I said something about noticing he hadn’t been blogging as much lately.  He told me the reason why…he had fallen in love with someone, completely surprising him.  I was actually elated at this good news!   So I felt free to share with him about “The Scot” and we both were so very happy for each other. 

The exchange culminated with” Metaphor Man” saying, “You have a spirit that can’t be contained, and never should be.  The Scot is a lucky guy and sounds like a wonderful man to let your spirit burst forth and be nurtured.”  I replied “Angela is a lucky gal to be able to engage you like you describe.  Your mind is so amazing and I think it takes a rare person to keep it stimulated.   I’m so happy for you and encourage you to love her with all of you!”

So that, my friends, is a Springboard.   Metaphor Man and I were just walking up to the springboard together, supporting each other as we dove into what lied ahead…separately .  Actually, it’s has sprung us both towards something even better than we knew could be.  

On being Badass

We probably all define being badass differently...and what would be badass for one person may be a normal everyday occurance to another.  The urban dictionary says "A Badass is A person who defines supreme confidance." 

One thing you should know about me is that I am a calm and serene person…well, when my children allow me to be, anyway.   A couple of months ago, I had an opportunity to be badass.  Well, Okay, I wasn’t badass from the start but I went back to seize my opportunity. 

My daughter asked me to take her to a nearby sporting goods store.  I’d much rather go to Sephora or Ulta, but my naturally beautiful tomboy wouldn’t be caught dead there, unless shopping for me.  So we are at the store and she’s leading me around checking on all the things she wants to see.  We get to the back, near the shoe department and I see an attractive man my age waiting on another customer…he notices me and holds his eye contact a little too long, losing track of what the customer was saying.   Its always a boost seeing that you distract someone.

My daughter and I kept looking around and a couple of minutes later, Sporty comes over to me and asks if we need anything.  I explain that my daughter has money she is desperately trying to find something to spend it on.  We start talking and we talk and talk and talk.  My girl is known as the matchmaker of her school…she’s been this way for ages.  I’ve asked her before why she doesn’t set me and up and she laughs and says “Mom, I couldn’t possibly know any men YOUR age!”  But her skills helped her realize that sporty and I were flirting and hitting it off, so ever the dutiful matchmaker, she tried clothes on and “looked” around for a half hour while we were chatting. 

Finally, when she exasperated her stalling techniques and could waste no more time, we made her purchase and left.  Sporty and I part with a lingering look in each other’s eyes and saying how great it was to chat.  During the course of our chat I found out he hadn’t dated anyone seriously in 8 months, he had two kids in similar age, he was just three years younger than me , this was his second job and he got off in two hours.

As I got in the car I was wishing I had the guts to give a man my number.  I have NEVER done that and I honestly wasn’t even sure how women go about it.  Of course, I wish he had asked for it, too,  but dutifully gave my mind a bunch of reasons why he wouldn’t have asked anyway (he was at work and could get in trouble, he thought it inappropriate in from of my daughter, etc.) 

We ran a couple more errands and I couldn’t stop thinking about wishing I had given him my number.  I told my daughter and she volunteered to go back and give it to him, but I felt that spineless and declined her offer. I went home and thought about it some more.  The clock was ticking away…it was 40 minutes until he got off work and I suddenly found myself back in my car driving to the sporting goods store.

I have to admit I looked good…I had on a hip, purple sweater, dark grey leggings that make my ass look amazing and my high-knee, high-heeled boots.   High heels make me feel strong, invincible, sexy, bad-ass.  I love them!  And I was having a good hair day.  In other words, I was on my a-game!

I grabbed one of my business cards and walked in the door.  It’s a big box store…the shoe department is at the back of the store, down the very long center aisle.  I entered the store, my heels clacking powerfully along.  Sporty was just putting something down, right in the center of the shoe department and looked up and saw me.   He stared a minute, I smiled big, he smiled big and then he came walking towards me until we met.

When we joined up, here’s how it went…

Sporty:  “Did you forget something or did she decide what she wanted?” 

Me:  “I did forget something…and I have never ever done this before, but I forgot to give you my number!”  “I’m at a time in my life where I don’t want to have any regrets and I thought I might if I didn’t give you my number.  Maybe we can grab coffee sometime, if you’d like.”

Sporty:  “I like coffee, that would be nice.”

Sporty:  “I’m Sporty, by the way, your name is Leah (looking at my card?)  It’s been so nice to talk to you today.”

Me: “I felt the same.  So, if you’re interested in talking more, please text or give me a call sometime.”

Sporty: “I will do that!”

Me: “Okay, I look forward to it.  Hope you have a great evening!”

Sporty: “You too!”

And scene….

Only I got to walk powerfully back down that long center aisle while he undoubtedly stared at my ass!  I felt the most exhilarated I’ve felt in the longest time!  And of course, I immediately knew it was blog worthy.  

 And I wished I had been video-taped…I was THAT proud of myself!

Now, the thing about me is that although I felt SO confident, independent for going after what I want, I do like the man to lead in every way.  I’m traditional at the heart…and I have to be the leader of all the other aspects of my life, so its nice to let someone else take this department. 

As it turned out, sporty and I ran into each other a couple days later at a restaurant and spent about 20 minutes chatting.  He texted a couple days later and then a couple weeks after that but by then I had met my current guy and wasn’t interested.  Honestly, after those 20 minutes I realized he was probably too soft for me anyway, but nothing can change anything about how great it felt to be badass! 

Boy Toy and the Tune-up! (continued from Boy Toy Joy)

After my thorough typical investigation, including checking up on him with a mutual friend, Boy Toy and I decided to give this FWB thing a go.  Boy Toy did not disappoint…juicy soft lips, big strapping man and by big, yeah I mean thick…in a good kind of way.  He also had a strong libido coupled with youthful stamina which meant little recuperation before we could go again.  While Boy Toy and I usually spent at least a couple hours together, I have said I’ve yet to meet anyone that can give me enough sex to where I am actually okay with stopping for the day, but he was close.  No, I’m not a nymphomaniac…well, at least I don’t think I am.  I’ve just years of lost time to make up! 

As a case in point, according to the Kinsey Institute, the ‘average’ woman my age (even one who didn’t have sex until age 23), should have had sex around 1808 times.  Oh how I wish…actually, I wish it were more!  I’ve done a rough estimate using their age ranges and estimates based on my marriage which likely resulted in 514 rolls in the hay.   I’m pretty sure that number is VERY generous…It didn’t feel like anywhere near that number even over 19 years.  Since I’ve been single, I’ve had a roll in the hay 34 times…yep, just 36 and NO that is not with 36 different men…not even close!  Thankfully, the men have been good to me and I’ve more than quadrupled that if I were counting orgasms.  So any of you who wonder why I am still insatiable, well, I’m way, way, way behind the rest of you!

So Boy Toy and I had our share of fun and I definitely had the best shower sex ever with him when he met me straight from work one day.  We met at a hotel, he walked in and pushed me against the door with a hungry kiss.  I had the shower already running….after 25 minutes of soap-slathering, warm water-raining, senses-awakening fun, we finally cooled off.  Well, not for very long…there was a bed calling our names after-all. 

As it turned out, Boy Toy decided to revisit an old relationship not too long after we met, so we said ended our ‘friendship’.  In short order, I met “the one who ran away” and out of respect for each other and anyone we are interested in, Boy Toy and I have an agreement not to contact each other if we are seeing others.  I can honestly say, while both of us would be upset if some tragedy befell the other, as we would any friend, we have had absolutely no emotional entanglements on either side.  This is why it worked. 

However, a few months later, we found ourselves both single again and decided to meet up.   This was many months ago and because he had a first date that night, we knew it was likely a one-time thing.   Boy Toy and I had enjoyed sexting… even though I’m not visual, he was a master at making a steamy shower video of himself.  We often sexted out what we would like to happen when we know we will see each other again, talking about a scene and then making it come true.  Such was our final and most memorable.

It was a hot July day and he would be at a friends’ garage working on his truck.    Come on girls, you know that alone is hot!  His friends’ garage is down a country highway with a medium amount of traffic that you can see from the garage itself.  His friend was out of town.   Not only was the garage door wide open when I arrived, but there was a huge picture window on the back side of it that faced a beautiful field that was surrounded by a wooded area.   

Boy Toy had told me exactly what he would like to happen when I visited him that day…what I should wear and what he would do to me and I to him.  He requested a short skirt, garter belt, nylons with French seams, high heels, sexy bra and a low cut shirt.  I aim to please, so of course, that’s exactly what I wore.   While I looked hot, even at 10a it was almost 90 degrees out that day.  I was literally hot, too.

When I arrived, remember I hadn’t seen him in a few months, we exchanged a hello and then some kisses.  I have to admit I find sex outside of a bedroom a complete thrill.  I call it semi-public because the changes of being discovered are very slim…but they’re still there.  Anyone of these good ole country boy types could have seen someone was working there and stopped by to visit…we do that in the south.  And in my mind, I’m sure there were little forest animals watching us through that window.  Even though no one caught us, the thought of it (and yes I would be embarrassed) elevates my arousal and excites just that much more. 

Boy Toy cleverly had the hood raised which not only allowed him to work on the car (grin), but also hid us from the street.   For some reason we never felt the need to be quiet and while I held on to the helm of the truck with him holding on to me, we played out some of the scenes he sexted to me.   One thing about having this sort of “friend” is that it can just be down and dirty, quick and unassuming.  Even so, while he displayed his long-lasting, youthful stamina as I held on to his truck with our nearly bare backs facing that beautiful meadow, it was damn near perfect.  Well, except for the horsefly who bit me part of the way through.   And I got a run in my nylons.  

Oh Well…that’s just the price of down and dirty sex in the great outdoors, or outdoor garages anyway, but it’s worth it.   Nylons can be replaced, bug bites heal but memories of that crazy sex you had in a garage on a hot July day…that stays with you forever, or at least until you’ve made up for all that lost time and the memories all run together.   Only 1258 more to go! 

Boy Toy Joy!

Before I was a midlife single gal, I believed what they portrayed on TV about Cougars.  I was under the belief that Cougars preferred younger men so the arm candy would raise their social status and that it was usually some sort of higher form of prostitution.  The young man did favors…those of a sexual nature and otherwise…in exchange for a comfortable life while he chased his own dreams without the weight of his own financial obligations.  That’s mostly what we see on TV anyway.

It wasn’t long before I was dating again that I realized this was all wrong.  For every one man my age who has approached me online or in person, I’ve been approached by an equal number of men 10-25 years my junior.  I constantly hear from young college boys who say they just aren’t into girls their age or they want to be with an experienced woman.  Cynics say that younger men see older women as easy and that is likely true of some of them.   I think most young guys realize that we know a thing or two in the bedroom and they want to experience what it’s like to be with a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality.   For me, there is still such a thing as too young, no matter the reason.

My little journey with my Boy Toy wasn’t entirely intentional, well, I was looking for a play thing, but not one so much younger than I.  I have long bragged about midlife men being such amazing lovers because they aren’t in a hurry, they have learned how to please a woman (hopefully)and they’ve learned to gain utter pleasure by experiencing their woman’s pleasure.  So honestly, I was quite happy with my previous similar-aged lovers.

My path to Boy Toy all started when I was bored one day.  Despite all the crazy stories in the news, I’ve had great success on finding some real quality men on the craigslist personals.  If you read my blog about my first date in 20 years, you know I stumbled upon dating again after looking for a desk on craigslist, so sometimes you have to return to your roots.  Now, I purposefully stay away from the casual encounters section…well, unless I’m trying to entertain myself…you can’t make that shit up!  I had run several ads in the relationship section, as well as the strictly platonic section, too.  However, I always sorta wondered when I would read the casual sex ads just WHO would answer them? 

Just to give you an example of one of my favorite ads, which was quietly nestled between men looking for lactating women or lunch time cheaters, I found an ad I still laugh about today.  It was for a man offering to orally please a woman with nothing expected in return.  He said to leave the door unlocked and email directions to the bedroom.  He would enter the room and the foot of the bed, make you have an orgasm and then leave…but oh yeah, please leave milk and cookies on the nightstand!  My friends and I have countless milk and cookies jokes from this.  This guy was like a Santa of a different mindset I guess…still giving gifts, but enjoying a snack for his trouble!   See…you can’t make this shit up!

So back to my bored Wednesday…I decided I would run an ad just to see how men replied.  I had a feeling I would be inundated with penis pictures and lewd promises but actually, I only got one such picture and not really any lewd emails, just men bragging so I would choose them.  Honestly, I had no idea if I would reply to even one….I was just curious, and of course, bored.  I’m like that if you haven’t figured it out by now. ..ever-curious of midlife dating in all forms and fashions!

Here’s the Ad:

“Do you know your way around a woman’s body?  Are you fond of long slow kisses and not thinking of rushing to the next thing but enjoying the moment?  Would you like a woman that enjoys sex and is an enthusiastic, expressive partner who is as into your pleasure as her own?  Then please apply here.” 

It went on to say you had to have a job, not be married, enjoy sexting and have some available time.  It said to NOT send a pic of your ‘finer parts’ and that I wouldn’t have sex with them until I had met them a few times and trusted them.

Actually most of the men who replied seemed fairly decent.   I had three I talked to a bit and decided I would meet.  One of them asked me out for that Friday night…we can call him “close call” as I think he really was a scumbag, but both of my girlfriends liked him the best when we were going through the replies.  However, two hours before the date, he told me had a problem at work and was going to have to reschedule.  He tried for the following night but I was seeing Timid Tom on Saturday and told him that Tom was leading in my search so I would likely have the position filled once I met him anyway.   I had also been talking to Boy Toy, but because of his age, I hadn’t agreed to meet up with him just yet.  So when “close call” cancelled, I asked Boy Toy if could meet me later and he agreed! 

Close Call ended up texting me…from home…at the exact time we were supposed to meet asking me to come to his house and have sex with him.  I said, dude, you have not been paying attention.  Obviously, I never would meet him, but he still texts me every couple of months and tries again.  Shameful.   Timid Tom will be for another blog perhaps…back to Boy Toy.

We met up at a Mexican restaurant.  Boy Toy was a big strapping young man who had played football in high school, went on to be in the coast guard and was now a welder.  Girls…if you’re looking for a friend with benefits only, getting a man who is good with his hands should definitely be at the top of your wish list!  

We had a great chat and it wasn’t long before I wished I could take the table between us and throw it to the side, straddle his lap and kiss him!  There was palpable chemistry.   Of course I didn’t do that but it would have been fun!  We finished our drinks and he walked me to my Mini-van, god I hated that thing (actually Timid Tom helped me get rid of it, thankfully!)  Leaning against my mommy van, he gave me some amazingly raw kisses with these soft and pillowy lips of his.  Oh yes…he was definitely friends with benefits material and I was content to choose him for the job. 

Although I didn’t know it just yet, Boy Toy is the one man I’ve met so far who has a stronger sex drive than I do…and just how much younger is he?  I thought it was only 9 years, only to find out a few weeks later he was actually 12 years younger!   He didn’t lie about his age, I just misremembered when reading those 200+ emails I got from my ad.  As the kisses deepened and his arousal pressed up against me while I was splayed against my mini-van door,   there was no denying we were going to be a good sexual chemistry match!  My bored Wednesday experiment had just exploded into a fireball of passion…to find out more about some of our sexcapades…tune in for my next blog! 

Don't Buy the Lie!

If you’ve been divorced (or never married) and are in midlife, male or female, you’ve heard time and time again that you shouldn’t NEED someone in your life.  You are ENOUGH by yourself.  You need to LOVE being single.  You have read articles and list after list of all the reasons why you should be so blessed to be all YOU need in your life! 

No one needs these lists for being coupled.  You don’t have to be told by a thousand experts why you are lucky to be in a healthy, loving relationship.  You don’t have to be told because already know!  No one has to remind you why companionship, affection, acceptance and comfort is good…our whole being…mind, soul, heart and body knows it’s good.    

So why do people work so hard to convince us that being single is the ultimate, and only after you find yourself incidentally single?  Doesn’t society tell us from day one that the ultimate goal is to be married with a white picket fence and 2.2 perfect children, a well-paying job, new cars, enviable vacations and plenty of fabulous friends? 

But the second we find ourselves uncoupled, well, we have to hear endless people, including all the “experts” tell us why we are lucky. Then almost in the same breath, those who care for us pummel us with questions about our status…are you dating?  Are you dating anyone special?  Then when you answer no, you see their disappointed faces and either you tell them some line about why you aren’t looking (even if you are) or they tell you how the world is your oyster and you should be loving it.

It can’t be both ways, folks! 

Now granted, if you’ve been through a midlife divorce, you have undoubtedly had people come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they dislike being married.  Or you can now use your post-divorce-spidey-sense to see that many people really aren’t happy with their relationships despite how happy they make it look on facebook. 

Honestly, it’s the ‘experts’ (who by and large, aren’t even single) that go on and on about how we need to be content with our singleness.  Even in my church-going days, the married women would say…”Once you are content being single is when your husband will come along.”  Really?  No!  This is why the second any of us, male or female, meet someone we have a spark and connection with we turn into mushy teenagers at the speed of lightning! 

We are also urged to appear fierce in our singleness, neglect vulnerability and therefore feel we can’t openly express our very basic God-given need…which is relationship.  And heaven forbid we be real about this common need on a dating profile!  The person of the opposite sex has now been programmed to read that must be needy, clingy, desperate or looking for a sugar daddy if you mention your real desire to find someone.  Um…hello!  Aren’t we on dating websites to find love?  Let’s just agree to be real about THAT little known fact, which by the way, is backed by a two billion industry.  Yeah, those moguls are laughing all the way to the bank at the games we play and the lies we’ve bought into that prevent us from really finding love and keep us coming back for more…because they know unless we change our mindset, we will make the same mistakes time and again. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’m a pretty independent person.  I’m determined, driven when I want to be, intuitive and a great problem solver.  I’m also an introvert by nature (except in the bedroom), a fairly peaceful and quiet person (again, except in the bedroom)…and I NEED and crave alone time (except in the bedroom!)  There are things I enjoy about being single and being free of expectations someone else might put on me.  But what if it brings MORE joy to my life to be able to cook for someone else, to do something loving or sacrificial for the person I care about vs doing that same thing JUST for myself.   What if fulfilling those expectations for someone else, which is the ultimate expression of love, actually makes your life better?

I don’t need a man to complete me.  Nor would I want to be with a man who needed someone to complete him.  I’ve always liked the 1 x 1=1 thinking about couples versus the two halves make a whole.  But I do want to complement him and for him to complement me.  (That’s complement…as in add value to or enhance, but compliments are always great, too!)  I am looking for a man that makes me a better version of myself and I would like to feel I am the same for him.  This, of course, doesn’t mean when I am not dating someone I am a lesser person, either.

What’s wrong with admitting we would like someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day, discuss our happenings, world events and laugh at life’s little mishaps?  What’s wrong with wanting to wake up with someone who doesn’t look their best in the morning?  What’s wrong with knowing your coffee time would be just a little better if you were sitting snuggled close to someone on the couch?  Then there’s knowing that parties are harder to go to alone and having someone to just call or text during the day when it’s a particularly good one or even when it’s not so good, makes the day just a little bit better.  And of course, sex…don’t even TRY to pretend it’s better alone…as I always say…(okay, Marvin Gaye said it first) “Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby!”  And those that would argue no-strings-attached sex is more desirable to sex with a loving partner who you can sexually engage any time you want, I say “Bollocks!”   

So I’m giving myself permission and I’d love for yourself permission, too…sure we can be complete, whole and emotionally stable singletons who aren’t desperate to be completed by some other person.  We can be strong, we can know what we want….and what we want is to find love!  It’s okay to admit it to yourself!  It’s okay to say it out loud!    It’s okay to put on your dating profile!  It’s okay to share with your date!  It’s okay to be who really are, to freely feel and express what you really need…that’s confidence, that’s independence, that’s damn sexy!